


shackled by your love

by resistgenerals



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Family Trip, Frottage, Kissing, M/M, Sharing a Bed, Smoking, Trauma, neil and andrew deserve lots of hugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:07:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28982358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/resistgenerals/pseuds/resistgenerals
Summary: Neil never knew he could have this life. He honestly didn't think he could have any life. And then the foxes came around. And so did Andrew. Through every punch and deep cut, they survived. And now it's time to live day by day, with the scars and the aftershocks, but at least knowing one thing will never change.This one thing. This "nothing".
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 10
Kudos: 113
Collections: AFTG Mixtape Exchange 2021





	shackled by your love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wyverning](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyverning/gifts).



> I have one thing to say and one thing only: this song is amazing!!!!!!!!
> 
> I'm so grateful for the people who came up with this gift exchange, because it showed me I'm not alone when it comes to having this ONE beautiful tune that just screams "ALL FOR THE GAME WORLD" for me. Especially Andreil. 
> 
> Ugh, just loads of thank you's are in order, considering wyverning's amazing taste in music and this one in particular. The first time I listened to it, I immediately thought "this HAS to be written in parts, to honor every single verse". 
> 
> Here's to hoping I lived up to the challenge. 
> 
> Song is "Skin" by Rag'n'Bone Man.

_ Seconds from my heart _

_ A bullet from the dark _

_ Helpless, I surrender _

_ Shackled by your love _

Neil never thought much about music or cared to listen to it. In all those years when he was running away with his mother, trying to stay alive and as incognito as possible, no futile thing could occupy space in his mind or in his heart. 

Sometimes, while procuring some sense of normalcy, he would walk around and pass by a random place, a faint melody catching his ears but never lingering. When Andrew’s lot took Neil to Eden’s Twilight, there was always music, loud and insistent, but Neil’s heightened senses and paranoia kept him from paying too much attention to it 

Now, he was helpless to do anything  _ but _ listen.

It was a night like many others the Foxes shared in the past - especially after what happened in Baltimore - and against whatever made up scenario any of them could’ve come up with, this time, even Katelyn was there. Albeit her presence was reduced to a huddle heap of blankets in the corner, plastered to Aaron’s side and looking slightly jumpy, the change was enough to get Aaron to relax around the others even more. 

No matter how much he disliked the twin, Neil was always curious to see his behavior around Katelyn and how drastically it changed from the brooding, downright rudeness he reserved for his teammates on a regular day. Nevertheless, every single one of them was more loose than usual on that particular night. 

With classes almost over for good and their vacation approaching faster, the upperclassmen felt emboldened by their most recent win - and most important one - and Neil’s fragile freedom, to throw more gatherings in the girl’s room or even Matt and Aaron’s, conveying as many bottles of alcohol as they could carry, with the addition of video or board games. 

The first time Renee knocked on their door, Neil answered it thinking something bad had happened or that she needed Andrew’s car for something, but she just smiled and asked if they wanted to “play Monopoly and drink Nicky’s fruity drinks”. Neil didn’t have to turn around to see that Andrew had barely looked her way or acknowledged the invitation. He had half a mind to apologise and say they weren’t really in the mood, when Andrew’s presence by his side and the noise of the keys he was holding to lock the door on their way out, startled Neil’s first reaction. 

From then on, every time the upperclassmen or Nicky, decided they would come together to spend time as a team or a dysfunctional group of people who shared one single important interest, Andrew never said a word to deny or agree to it, only bothering to gesture Neil’s way to let him know they were going. 

“Come on, that was cheating!” Dan’s protest brought Neil back to the moment and he stopped daydreaming about all the possible reasons that led Andrew to start hanging out with the others more. 

Besides, it could be anything, from Riko’s death to the Foxes winning the championship, to the fact none of them really needed his protection anymore and the vague promise of a secured future or maybe the fact Neil felt the two of them were going from “this is nothing” to a much more meaningful and even hopeful destination. He wasn’t stupid. He knew Andrew cared for him in his own detached, emotionless way and Neil had more than one situation to account for where he caught that glimpse of  _ something _ in Andrew’s eyes. But for now, he wouldn’t dwell on it, because the Foxes were smiling and laughing and Allison had even put on some music. 

Neil shifted in his seat, the couch he shared with Andrew not that big to put any real space between them. For once, their friends stayed quiet about it and didn’t even seem to notice Andrew and Neil sitting so close to each other their thighs were visibly touching. 

“Okay, maybe Kevin and Allison make a good team, after all,” Matt conceded to what Neil could only guess was a power move in the Uno game they were playing, Dan and Matt against Allison and Kevin. Because that wasn’t at all crazy. “And I can’t believe I just said that.”

Renee, sitting on the ground right next to Allison and waiting for her turn alongside Nicky, smiled warmly when she saw that Kevin actually looked pleased with the compliment. 

“I think Kevin plays even better when he’s wasted. Stop giving him booze, I want my money,” Nicky complained from where he was sitting back against the TV rack. 

Neil rolled his eyes when he noticed the small pile of money between them. Of course, it was no surprise, since the Foxes placed bets on every single thing they possibly could get away with. 

Movement in the corner of his eye caught Neil’s attention and he turned to see Andrew offering him the game controller that was previously being used by Aaron. For some reason, the twins still barely spoke to each other and Andrew wouldn’t so much as look Aaron’s way whenever he was with Katelyn, but apparently sharing a game of murderous zombies was allowed. 

Neil accepted the offered object, balancing his halfway-filled glass of whiskey in the middle of his thighs. “I have no idea how to play this.”

Andrew turned his way ever so slightly, expression unchanged, looking from the controller to Neil just once and then back at the screen. “You’re a fast learner.”

The sound was not on for the game, seeing as Allison refused to turn down the music and they all voted against gunfire sound mixed with whatever song was playing at the moment. 

The unexpected laughter and banter as the card game unfolded, didn’t stop Neil from paying full attention to the figures and instructions displayed as Andrew pressed a couple buttons on his own controller. In the middle of whatever mission they were playing at though, Neil found himself stealing glances at Andrew, while for the first time that night - or maybe ever - paying attention to the lyrics of the background music. 

He knew Andrew must’ve noticed his complete disinterest in the game, but Neil was helpless to do anything other than bask in the greatness of this moment. 

Andrew, who never even acknowledge the upperclassmen before, always so adamant to say he didn’t care or like any of them, silently agreeing to spend time with the people he used to see as miserable threats and even allowing himself to relax enough to play a mindless videogame, inviting not only Neil but everyone else into his quietly shattered world, still strongly disengaged from their conversations and general interactions, but there. Alive and breathing. His thigh touching Neil’s thigh. His eyes darting back and forth with all that was going on on the screen. 

The person singing the tune said something along the lines of needing someone so much sometimes, that they couldn’t even breathe and the need to kiss Andrew right then and there was suddenly so overwhelming that Neil dropped his controller onto his lap, which would’ve happened soundlessly, had the cup of whiskey not been right there between his legs. The plastic clinked on glass and all around the room knowing glances turned towards the two of them. 

“Hey! Don’t look at her cards!” Renee playfully scolded Matt, who was trying to turn sideways to check on Allison’s stack. 

Allison lifted one eyebrow at Neil and then narrowed her eyes at Matt. “Let’s crush them, Day.”

Kevin took one more swig of his drink and they all forgot about Neil and Andrew. 

That was, until Neil turned around himself to look at Andrew once again and saw he was already staring at him and then something happened that shifted every little thing Neil thought he knew. Nothing could’ve prepared him for it. 

With eyes still harshly bored and not a single indication that he wasn’t in his right mind, Andrew’s mouth twitched to one side, a small smirk playing at his lips, probably at Neil’s slip up and lack of personal restraint, especially around all their teammates. 

It only lasted for a second and it was gone before anyone else could see, but the image of an actual flash of amusement crossing Andrew’s face, that wasn’t brought on by medication or a cruel disregard for his own life, would forever be etched onto Neil’s brain.

Without warning, Andrew restarted the game and Neil had no choice but to follow along, except his mind was going nowhere, stuck as it was on the image of Andrew and the overwhelming warmth Neil felt inside his heart. In that split second, he couldn’t breathe or even move his fingers. The ruthless wave of emotion washed over him with such intensity that he was sure the words were written all over his face. 

Neil clutched the controller with an unyielding grip and tried to calm himself down. 

At once, he figured his world wasn’t just tilting but that everything he was taught to believe his entire life was a gigantic lie. He was capable of feeling it. Strongly and truthfully, even if it was dysfunctional and unconventional. Even if they didn’t have a future or the complications were too hard to bear. 

That moment, Neil was sure he could do it. 

Seeing that flash of emotion on Andrew’s face, his presence right by his side and his warmth sipping through their clothes, embracing Neil in a security he never felt with anyone else, he  _ knew _ he could do it. He could survive. He could listen to music and enjoy it. He could laugh with his friends -  _ his family _ \- and be hopeful. 

_ Is this what being in love feels like? _ He thought, breathless, glancing at Andrew one more time before Nicky called Neil’s name and he had to look. 

“Neil, man, I think you lost the game,” he was pointing at the TV and sure enough, Neil’s character was down and bleeding bad, the words “GAME OVER” painted red on the screen. 

He turned back to Andrew who didn’t seem to acknowledge his own victory and only stared back at Neil for a brief second, looking bored and unimpressed. 

Neil couldn’t possibly explain how far for losing he actually was. 

He'd never been more victorious in his entire existence. 

_ Holding me like this _

_ With poison on your lips _

_ Only when it's over _

_ The silence hits so hard... _

“So, I’ve been thinking…” Neil started, waiting to see if Andrew was paying him any mind. 

Realistically, Neil knew Andrew wouldn’t downright say “Yeah, I’m listening” and he was used to it. In fact, Andrew was always - always - in tune with Neil’s words, no matter how far away he seemed to be. But purely out of habit, Neil stopped for a few seconds to give him a moment and prepare. Or, in Andrew’s case, make a sarcastic - or mean - comment. 

He never disappointed. “Why?”

Neil chose to ignore that, considering what he was about to suggest and readjusted his position on the couch. They were alone in their room and after a makeout session in Neil’s bed that lasted for about two hours, had migrated to the living area. When they sat down, Neil’s initial idea was to spread on the cushions and watch whatever was on the TV, but he immediately felt so tired his body started to slide down without his notice. Neil was about to go sit on a beanbag chair so as to not invade Andrew’s space, when Andrew grabbed Neil by the shins and pulled Neil’s legs on top of his lap. 

Of course, Andrew didn’t spare him a glance while doing so, as if this happened everyday. Neil couldn’t bring himself to say a thing or even breathe for that matter, scared that he might startle Andrew into getting up from the couch and all but leaving. So he stayed. Half-sitting, half-laying on the couch, legs propped on Andrew’s lap and mind reeling with the effort of not disturbing the moment. 

Neil felt a light squeeze on his ankle and turned to Andrew, remembering he was about to say something before. “We won’t have classes for a while now that the year is over.”

“And?”

“Well…” Neil thought for a moment on how to say it. “Wymack said that training won’t be for another three weeks.”

Andrew kept staring at the TV. 

“I want to travel somewhere,” Neil finally said. 

At that, Andrew turned slightly and regarded him with evident disinterest, contrasting with the gentle hand that was still touching Neil’s leg. “Again.”

“Yes, but this time I’m paying for it.”

“With your blood money.”

It didn’t take Andrew five seconds to figure out where Neil was going with this conversation. And honestly, he shouldn’t be surprised. Andrew was secretly - not so secretly - good at many things, they had experience that first hand with his immensely good gift to remember crucial information about the other teams that ended up being decisive to the Foxes’ outcome in the championship. 

But whenever it was the two of them, especially in moments such as this one, Neil acted as the only witness to Andrew being in sync with him in a way literally no one else was. Sure, his friends now knew basically everything there was to know about Neil Josten. And yet, Andrew was definitely the only person alive who knew Neil just as much as Neil knew himself, if not more. 

So when he guessed Neil’s idea to spend the money he got from his father on something that could actually benefit the people he cared about, there was no judgement in his voice or reproach towards Neil’s obvious attempt at making conversation. Or suggesting they spend more time with the rest of the team. 

“It’s not like I need it now, so I might as well spend it with what matters to me,” Neil shrugged slowly, locking his eyes with Andrew’s to clarify anything that went unsaid. 

“Don’t say stupid things,” Andrew said, without any real bite to it this time. 

An easy smile spread over Neil’s lips, making Andrew deflect his stare back to the TV, that cold, bored expression taking over his features. 

“Will you go?” Neil asked after a few minutes passed. 

“Don’t ask stupid things,” Andrew answered while squeezing Neil’s ankle again, but in a more meaningful way. 

~*~

Gathering the Foxes and telling them about his plans was actually pretty easy. Obviously, it went unsaid that Katelyn wasn’t welcome to go, so Aaron just sat there while Neil narrated his brief set of thoughts, not looking at anyone or anything. If he was angry and wanted to put up a fight, he stayed firmly quiet about it. 

Neil wouldn’t admit aloud that he didn’t care if Aaron wasn’t there, simply because he was aware of how much he meant to Andrew, even if their relationship was twisted, violent and complicated. 

After he finished the five-minute long explanation on how he had this amount of money kept away for emergencies and that he no longer acquired most of it, not knowing where to spend, surprisingly enough, not even Allison was willing to complain and insist the whole thing to be afforded by her small fortune. Instead, she leaned back on the couch and sighed over-dramatically. 

“Can we,  _ please _ , go to somewhere sunny this time?” she said, flicking her fingers in Neil’s direction. 

He smiled slightly at her attitude and watched as the discussion unfurled in front of him. By his side, like always, Andrew didn’t get involved in the conversation, settling on throwing one arm on the back of the couch, right behind Neil’s head and tapping the fingers of his other hand on the armrest. 

“We should definitely rent a house this time, since it’s Neil’s treat,” Dan blinked playfully at him. 

“Seriously, pick whatever you guys want,” He said with the utmost sincerity. 

“Jesus, we might as well fly there on a private jet, then,” Nicky said. 

“There being  _ where _ ?” Renee asked to no one in particular. 

These seemed to put the foxes’ discussion on hold for a few minutes. And to - literally - baffle every single one of them, it was Kevin who spoke first. 

“Virginia has a lot of nice beaches.”

Nicky snorted, because of course he did, but after a scathing look from Kevin, averted his gaze back to the person who could actually handle his sass. 

“What are  _ your _ reviews?” He asked Allison. 

She shrugged. “Never been, but my parents have and said there are a lot of beachfront houses there that make your money worth.”

“Neil?” Matt turned to him, a question unspoken in his eyes. 

He didn’t know how to tell them that he was literally fine with anything they chose to do. As long as it wasn’t a certain beach where memories could overthrow his good mood and ruin the entire trip, Neil would go wherever his family went. 

But then it hit him. Matt wasn’t just asking if Neil was okay with going to this particular place. When Allison said “somewhere sunny” and Kevin talked about beaches, Neil felt Andrew’s thigh pressing on his, a gesture that could come off as anything and since the two of them were getting more and more used to each other’s body and evergoing presence, Neil didn’t think to acknowledge it for what it was. 

Looking at Matt, Neil understood his friend was worried about a place where people wore bathing suits and had to strip normal clothes in order to enter the sea or a pool, for example. And as soon as he said Neil’s name, slowly everyone seemed to notice the implications of a beach vacation, most likely remembering that Neil and Andrew wore armbands and weren’t exactly the type to walk around shirtless. 

“We could always go to the mountains again. Or New York, since you guys haven’t been,” Matt suggested, turning to point at the girls, who already seemed to be thinking of other options.

Neil mirrored Andrew, pressing back his thigh in a motion that could be translated as “thank you for supporting me” and “they all support all of us”, but Andrew didn’t so much as look Neil’s way, now staring blankly at the scene unravelling in front of them. 

“Snow is also nice, like it’s cold as fuck, but we could go skiing or…”

“No,” Neil said a little louder than Nicky’s words. His chest was so tight and warm as he felt his eyes sting a bit with the same intensity as his throat began to close off. Pushing those feelings down around the foxes was becoming harder every day, but Neil was slowly starting to understand he didn’t have to. “A sunny place sounds perfect.”

At that, while simultaneously - and almost imperceptibly - leaning heavily on Andrew, Neil stared emphatically at Allison, trying to convey in his eyes everything he couldn’t bring himself to say aloud, but knew she would comprehend. 

The small yet mischievous way she smiled at Neil told him that it was settled.

“All right, a beachfront house in Virginia it is,” Allison said with finality. 

Matt also threw a smile in Neil’s direction and soon they fell into another long fight-fueled conversation about where and when. 

Eventually, they decided on Jamestown Beach and Allison immediately pulled out her phone to arrange plane tickets for everyone. Which Neil would pay for, but everyone agreed it was better for Allison to take care of every detail, to make sure they wouldn’t end up in an old, raggedy, beat up cabin in the middle of nowhere. Not that Neil minded that - much - because wherever his friends were, calm and safety would certainly follow. 

But in that moment, they deserved to have what they wanted and they wanted to see the beach. 

_ When I heard that sound _

_ When the walls came down _

_ I was thinking about you... _

Neil woke up with a gasp. His first thought, even before full consciousness kicked in, was that the sound probably ricocheted off the walls and alerted his roommates, ruining everyone’s night of sleep. 

He couldn’t help it, really. Moving to Palmetto State and becoming a Fox, had been enough to tone down some of his primal survival instincts. It wasn’t every day that Neil felt scared or threatened, so, sometimes, he managed to get into a deeper slumber, not worrying about his alarm clock or whoever was in the room with him. 

But it was different that night. 

That night, his mind jumped and kicked, haunted by nightmares stronger than any resolve Neil Josten might put together. Blood, smoke, sand and bruises, all mingled and twisted, aimed to shy away any bout of peace he’d been holding onto since the day that Riko died. 

In the ever-suffocating darkness, he blinked and blinked, the room coming into view only by silhouettes and the faint sound of breathing that didn’t belong to him. 

Neil was aware of not only the fact that it was still the middle of the night – although he hadn’t charged his phone and wouldn’t bother with it right now – but that it was practically impossible to get out of bed without waking... A certain someone. 

The discrepancy wasn’t lost on him. 

Whenever one of his friends would try and wake Andrew with a touch, said person would get an elbow to the ribs or worse. But whenever Neil got up from bed in the middle of the night to go use the bathroom, he came back to see Andrew sitting up on his own bed, rubbing sleep from his eyes or staring up at the ceiling. 

They never spoke or moved to share the same bed – which was something Neil thought about more often than not –, only Andrew would look at him once, no visible reaction and wait until Neil was back under the covers, to turn around and go back to sleep. 

Not reading too much into it was a problem for Neil, who had a tendency to analyze Andrew more than he should. 

But that night he couldn’t stay in the room. The air inside the small space was threatening to suffocate him, so he tried to be as quiet as possible, not even daring to glance in the direction of Andrew’s bed. Neil threw on a hoodie, almost forgetting that outside the cold was probably crippling and then grabbed the coat Nicky had gifted him, what felt like a lifetime ago. 

Slipping on shoes and snitching an old pack of cigarettes, that may or not belong to Andrew, he walked out of the room and up the stairs to the roof. Neil didn’t want to assume, but knowing anyway that Andrew was definitely roused from sleep by his movements, he made no effort to secure the door, because it never  _ really _ stayed locked.. 

Uninvited, images from his nightmare came crashing down on him with the force of the flames that licked away his mother’s life. 

The screams tearing away at his throat, the smell of his flesh burning and the stench of blood that would probably stick with him for the rest of his life. He saw Andrew’s face, unyielding and strong; eyes as fierce as the way he handled his racket in the court. Always watching Neil within touching distance, but being too far away at the same time. Without giving it too much of a conscious thought, Neil knew Andrew would be in his dreams every night. Whether it was to feed his fears of losing his Foxes and everything he never thought he would get, or to remind Neil of a distance and shattered idea of a life they never got to experience. 

He sucked in the crisp and cold air of South Carolina, stuffing both hands deep into the pockets of his coat and looking ahead at the dark sky, trying to shake the feeling eating at his heart. The same one from that day when Wymack told Neil he’d be nominated as vice-captain. The same one he thought would leave him be after winning the Championship and getting rid of both his father and Riko. 

Only Neil was supposed to know better than this. Bad memories and old scars would never leave him alone for good. There was going to be a never-ending shadow looming over his every step, every wake and sleeping moment, every time one of the Foxes smiled or hugged him. Whenever Andrew stole Neil’s breath away with a kiss and Neil was allowed to place a frail touch on his skin, something would nag at his traumatized brain, telling him that it still wasn’t safe. That he needed to keep guarding his every move. 

He wanted to breathe. He wanted to run. He wanted to... 

The door to the roof rattled open, snatching Neil away from the dark tendrils of his mind and alerting him to the small steps Andrew took in his direction. From his peripheral view, Neil watched the crown of blonde hair and black clothes standing by his side, within reaching distance but never quite coming too close. 

Part of him wished he could just drape himself over Andrew and encompass both of them in a bubble that would last a lifetime, but even if he could, Neil didn’t think he was capable of moving right now. The cold air and his ceaseless fear were taking control of every numbing nerve inside his body. 

Andrew came closer to the edge, but just like Neil, he kept his gaze ahead instead of looking down. They stayed still, for minutes or hours or centuries, Neil couldn’t tell. Eventually, his fingers acted of their own volition and fished the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. Neil gave it to Andrew, who proceeded to take out two sticks, a lighter coming up next to lit both flames. 

They smoked in silence – Neil guarding the acrid smell and burning fume with the aid of his folded palms – never once looking at each other or speaking. 

Slowly, but undeniably, Neil felt the clutching hands of terror letting go of him, retreating back to that place where they stayed whenever he could risk a glance at a hopeful future. He allowed every fiber of his being to gradually return to his usual self, soaking in Andrew’s presence and trying to manifest the heat of his body. 

He didn’t have to try for long, because as it always seemed to be with the two of them, in moments like this, words weren’t necessary. And even if they were, he expected Andrew would bite his tongue off with some harsh comment, no real intent, but severe at the same time. 

Right then, though, Andrew didn’t say a word. With one hand, he continued to hold the cigarette, while snaking the other to the pocket of Neil’s hoodie, finally slanting his body closer and closer, until they were touching from knees to upper arms, the thick fabric of their clothes doing nothing to stop warmth from seeping back and forth. 

Neil chanced a deep breath, the air entering and exiting his lungs without a struggle this time, his vision clearing and the foggy images from his nightmare fading so quickly he almost couldn’t remember what led him to the rooftop in the middle of the night. 

He could feel Andrew now and knew this physical proximity was as big an effort as Neil’s planted feet were. Neil’s nature and years of carved instinct, were always telling him to run, run, run. All those times he went against it, that he ignored fear and logic to stay wherever Andrew was, it took so much from him that Neil used to think he would break in half. Without having to voice it, thinking back on those times where Andrew allowed Neil to touch and feel him in a way none of them were used to, it was clear that it almost broke Andrew in half too. 

Nevertheless, they held still. Stood their ground. The pain was never forgotten. The screams, the slashes and the soul wrenching agony were still there. Every single step of the way. 

But so was Andrew. And so was Neil. They were both still there. 

Stubbing the cigarette on the small ledge in front of them and waiting for Neil to do the same, Andrew finally turned to him, eyes hooded with sleep and mouth puffing out cold clouds with every breath. His expression didn’t change, but Neil allowed himself to stare deep into those irises. “Let’s go to bed,” Andrew said. 

Trying to ignore the way his skin went alight, Neil let his feet lead the way, already missing Andrew’s hand inside his pocket. They walked silent, careful steps back to the dorm and into the bedroom. 

Only in the time that took Neil to strip off his coat in the dark of the room, he saw Andrew’s shadow weaving through the small space, heading not for his own bed, but the one Neil slept on. 

Something inside his chest broke at that moment. 

Seeing Andrew climbing on Neil’s bed and laying down so as to leave enough room for him. Even though they shared closed quarters before, Neil knew it would be almost impossible not to touch each other in this setting. 

But not wanting to think about it, he padded his way over and did the utmost to lay down without fussing Andrew’s patience in the meantime. 

His worries weren’t enough to keep him up for long though and he couldn’t see much in the dark of their room, even if Andrew was right in front of him. Neil tried to fight the tiredness, to savor this moment and bask in the way Andrew felt sleeping under Neil’s blanket, but soon enough he couldn’t keep his eyes open. 

Just before he was pulled back into unconsciousness again, Neil felt a light touch on his hand under the warm cover and without giving it too much thought, intertwined his fingers with Andrew’s, hoping that, if  _ this _ was a dream, he could stay asleep forever. 

_ When my skin grows old _

_ When my breath runs cold _

_ I'll be thinking about you _

_ About you _

_ When I run out of air to breathe _

_ It's your ghost I see _

_ I'll be thinking about you... _

Days morphed into weeks while Neil tried not to think about what he’d be doing during break. Or when the year was over, for that matter. That was a whole other rabbit hole he wasn’t eager to drop into, especially considering how many of the Foxes would be graduating in the near future. 

In one morning in particular, Neil’s thoughts were too much to handle that early in a Saturday and he got up from bed trying his hardest not to wake Andrew in the process of walking barefoot to the kitchen. Kevin wasn’t in their room, which would be surprising if not for what had gone down when they won the Championship and the fact Andrew no longer needed to keep tabs on him  _ twentyfourseven _ . Neil assumed it was one of those days when he sneaked out of bed at the crack of down to head to the gym. Nicky – obviously – was snoring soundly, not even twitching to the sound of Neil moving around. 

And of course, there was Andrew. If this was a couple weeks back, he’d be asleep in his own bed and the moment Neil tried to step outside, he’d be alert in a second to what was going on and where Neil was going. 

But since that night on the rooftop, five out of the seven days in a week, Andrew and Neil slept in the same bed. Neil’s bed. 

The first time they woke up together, Neil was immediately aware that Andrew hadn’t punched him during the night or snuck out to lay down on the bed he’d been sleeping on for years. Instead of retreating back to the wall so as to not be touched, he was completely relaxed and their fingers still entwined. That day, Nicky and Kevin ended up seeing it while Neil stole that moment and refused to get up before he really needed to. Thankfully, Kevin dragged a gaping Nicky out of the bedroom before he could say something that would earn him a bruised rib. 

Since then, the silent agreement was that Andrew would climb on Neil’s bed, sometimes in the middle of the night, sometimes in the quiet of a rainy morning and they would sleep. Without talking or touching. Every now and again, they would hold hands under the covers or Neil would end up with his forehead on Andrew’s shoulder. But it never escalated from there and Andrew never said anything about it. He also never went back to sleeping in his own bed. If they went to Columbia on the weekends or ended up throwing accidental sleepovers in Matt’s room, during the week they shared the same space, emotionally and physically. 

Saturday found Neil sitting on a wobbly bar stool, staring at no one in particular, as music pumped strong and insistent inside his brain, bodies dancing to it and drinks being downed, mixed with laughter and loud flirtation. Of course, it was impossible to listen to what people were saying to each other, Eden Twilight’s flashing lights and loud tunes, fogging up Neil’s mind in a way that alcohol never could. 

He was alone at the table, even Kevin had been dragged to the dance floor by a happily drunk Nicky. Not Andrew though. 

As ordinary as breathing air into his lungs, were the nights spent doing this. Driving to Columbia, drinking, dancing and staying up all night… Just because they could. Sometimes Andrew would drink and so did Neil. Some nights, however, like this one in particular, neither one of them touched a glass with alcohol in it, instead exchanging longing and promising glances all night, basking in the heavy energy that cracked between them. One that reminded Neil of nights sharing the same bed and kisses that left his skin buzzing with want and need and  _ Andrew _ . 

Cautiously, he turned on the stool so that he was facing Andrew when he approached with the tray of drinks, not a single muscle twitching or giving away the effort he was putting in that one action. 

More often than not, Neil was struck with an irrational desperation to  _ know  _ Andrew. Aside from the minimal changes in his expression or the reasons behind his detachment with the world around them, Neil often thought he had no idea who Andrew was. Before, knowing someone by the smallest details was a foreign concept only because he wasn’t allowed to actually get close or emotional enough to learn the complicated nuances that lived inside another human being.

But ever since he met Andrew, Neil felt himself overturned by an irrational desire to live in the past, in the present and in the future. Without explanation, his heart raced everytime he imagined what it was like when Andrew used to work in Eden’s Twilight, a past neither one of them mentioned. If Neil could somehow materialize in said past, he’d be able to see Andrew standing behind that counter, doing something incredibly mundane as silently interacting with other people, serving drinks and maneuvering his way around a daily routine. 

It was immensely stupid, Neil recognized, because now he was able to touch and kiss Andrew whenever they wanted to, but his heart grieved the time they lost, those fragile moments they weren’t together and the scrapes of a shattered past when Andrew gave up being a child with fears and emotions, to become the man he was today. 

When he stood within arm’s length, Neil acted without giving it a second thought and reached out his hand. However, before he made unexpected contact with Andrew, which could’ve led Neil to be severely hurt, Andrew put the tray on top of the table and in a swift, yet angry movement, placed himself between the small gap of Neil’s legs. 

Right away, the proximity and the heat radiating from Andrew’s clothed body, was all it took to give Neil shortness of breath. 

He looked down at Andrew’s lips and felt his hand traveling all the way to the back of Neil’s neck, fingers sliding in his hair and  _ pulling _ . His eyes stayed the same shade of bored as always and Neil barely resisted closing his legs and trapping Andrew completely between his thighs. 

“Whatever you’re thinking,” Andrew whispered right into Neil’s ear. “ _ Don’t _ .”

Neil had to forcefully clench his hands in fists so as to not touch Andrew’s waist as he waited, not for long, until Andrew’s mouth slid from his ear to Neil’s lips, in a searing, languid kiss. Right there. In the middle of a club filled to brim with people - some which were their friends. The notion gave Neil goosebumps and for the first time in what felt like eternity, he was granted a glimpse of what a normal, undemanding relationship felt like. Sure, it ended up being incredibly nice to have Andrew this way, in a somewhat carefree manner, giving Neil everything he was. But  _ normal _ and  _ undemanding _ were overrated concepts. Especially for two foxes. 

In that instant, Neil thought that maybe it wasn’t so bad that they hadn’t known each other for years and years. Of course, he hated every single person who’d hurt Andrew in the past and if he could bring some of them from death, just to kill them with his bare hands, he would. 

But if this was his life now - Andrew’s tongue stroking his, both hands pulling at Neil’s hair in a bruising way, unafraid to kiss him in front of whoever might see it - Neil couldn’t complain. In fact, he thought he could get  _ more _ than used to it. 

_ We bleed ourselves in vain _

_ How tragic is this game? _

_ Turn around, I'm holding on to someone _

_ But the love is gone _

_ Carrying the load, with wings that feel like stone _

_ Knowing that we nearly fell so far now _

_ It's hard to tell... _   
  


Neil and Andrew  _ never _ fought. 

Naturally, every now and then, Andrew would say something downright cruel and turn his back as if he couldn’t care less about the effect of his words, while Neil stood there, not knowing how to retort or merely not wanting to bother. 

Other times, they would battle in the foulest idiom, until one of them gave up and disappeared. It was usually Andrew. But sometimes Neil wanted to do that too. Just walk away.

Back when Neil thought he would die after the championship, the mere concept of a “lovers quarrel”, was enough to make him roll his eyes. He simply couldn’t understand why someone would willingly waste precious time with their loved ones, just because they were mad at each other. 

_ I know him and I want him exactly the way he is _ , Neil thought spiralled towards this same reality everytime he feared one of them would simply push too far. 

That wasn’t the kind of mantra he forced onto himself to stay with Andrew, but a fact, a reality,  _ their  _ reality. Neil was aware of what Andrew had been through, they were beginning to melt into each other’s core and Neil wanted that, with a fierceness that would sometimes wake him up at night. He never had to  _ stand  _ Andrew, like their friends used to think, Neil was with him purely because he wanted to. 

So he took in stride all the ugly words and harsh indifference, mostly because it meant Andrew cared. And also because he always came back. When he said something to hurt Neil, it was never really to hurt Neil, but to lash out his own dark, confusing feelings. He wanted to stretch and see how far their “nothing” would hold. 

It held all right, if Neil could say so himself, considering they were still together and every passing day only made Neil feel more and more sure of how real honest this thing was. 

The exception to their silent rule to never actually fight, came in a random night, a week before their trip to Virginia, where a raging storm crept in on them, while all the other foxes were in the basement having an impromptu party with the vixens. 

Neil knew it was his fault. He shouldn’t have said that. The words just slipped so fast from his lips, and from where he stood leaning on the sink, Neil could see Andrew halting on his way to the bedroom, turning around and focusing him with a death stare. 

He said nothing. 

Slowly, Neil’s words seemed to echo within the walls, pressing in on them. 

_ You could try and stop pretending you don’t care _ , _ I know you have feelings _ . 

Neil didn’t mean it to come out like that, as if he thought Andrew faked his personality or tried to hide behind a mask provided by his traumas. He was just trying to get a reaction from Andrew, because they had been talking about the foxes and how the trip would be great - Neil was talking, Andrew was nursing his beer while staring into nothing - and how Aaron had commented with Nicky he probably wouldn’t go, since Katelyn wasn’t allowed to. At that, Andrew showed no reaction, resigning himself to placing the bottle on the sink and heading to the bathroom. 

And that was when Neil had to open his mouth. Is not that he regretted saying it, but it was stupid that they had to start fighting because of Aaron, of all people. 

“Now why would you think such a thing?” Andrew practically spat the words, still far away from where Neil was. 

“I wasn’t suggesting you care about Katelyn, but don’t act like this situation doesn’t affect you. We both know it does,” Neil said, eyes never wavering. 

“Oh, do we now?” 

The sarcasm dripping from Andrew’s mouth was soon accompanied by the few footsteps it took for him to be dangerously close to Neil again. 

“Aaron is your brother. He is important to you, isn’t he? And he’s unhappy that his girlfriend can’t come with us. That’s all I’m saying,” Neil pointed out. 

“I thought you were smarter than that,” Andrew said. 

Neil felt his skin crawl with the effort he was applying in his own mouth to not say what he wanted to say. It was pointless, after all. Andrew needed constant time and space, he needed someone who wouldn’t turn around and run or lose patience. But every time he tried to pass his feelings as mere inconveniences or pretend he didn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything, sometimes… Only sometimes, Neil wanted to shake him and scream “YES YOU CARE! You care more than anyone I have ever met and that’s why we’re all still alive”. And every single one of those times, he refrained from expressing these frustrations or reacted in any way, seeing as it wouldn’t cause the effect he so wished for. A reaction. Something. Anything. Like that day, when completely unannounced, Andrew had cracked an honest smile for the smallest of seconds. 

But without even meaning to, in the middle of their kitchen, with the downpour as their soundtrack, Neil ignited that side of Andrew who wouldn’t be happy with just shutting up and walking away. 

“How many times do I have to tell you I’m not a broken toy, presented for you to fix? Give the fuck up, before I kick you out,” Andrew pratically screamed. 

“Kick me out of the room or your life?” Neil asked defiantly, seeing that Andrew wasn’t angry or consumed by violence. He was livid. 

“Take a guess,” Andrew said, fists clenched on both sides of his body.

Not even waiting for Neil to form a response, he turned around and left the room all at once. 

Thunder crashed down in the distance. 

Neil waited for five more minutes, standing completely still, before he understood Andrew wasn’t coming back anytime soon and so he too, left. 

~*~

That wasn’t a fight. It was barely an argument in the  _ Neil-and-Andrew-this-is-not-a-relatioship _ ’s standards. 

But more often than not, when one of them said something considerably mean and the other walked away, they did so to be able to walk right back in a matter of hours, kissing underneath the sheets or sharing a smoke in the roof of the Fox Tower. Never once did Neil run away with the intent to be as far from Andrew as possible. 

Today wasn’t any different. He just needed to breathe. To weight his life choices and stare at himself in a mirror with no one else around. For Neil, some days were harder than others. A mind trick, a numbing nightmare… Doubt, fear. Cold sweats in the middle of the night, hands grasping for a gun that was never there. Armbands that reminded him of almost death and undeniable survival. 

_ Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.  _

He was everywhere. 

Damn near impossible it was to distinguish Neil’s life in a before and after scenario. He could no longer understand the concept of being alone, of leaving behind sure hands and insistent touches. The sense of family, of… Love. Of people worrying about him, of someone sleeping next to him simply because they wanted to. Because he wanted Neil as much as Neil wanted him. 

He tried to imagine having a fight with Andrew and just walking away. Walking  _ awayawayaway _ and never coming back. 

Sitting on a random bench in the Foxhole Court, that’s where Andrew found him. Gasping for air, even though there was plenty for both of them. They were dripping from facing the storm, Neil who went on foot all the way to the court and Andrew who probably drove there, but needed to get out of the car to find Neil. 

Still in that same stance - hands hanging by his sides, fists clenched - but now his wet hair fell on his face, dragging Neil’s attention to the wet curtain of blonde strands, not even his murderous look was enough to break the contact. Even though Neil would never admit it aloud, in that moment, in the cusp of their recent fight, Andrew looked incredibly soft on the edges, staring at Neil with a myriad of emotions crossing his eyes, but drenched in cold water from head to toe. 

They didn’t say anything for a while. Neil waiting for Andrew to punch him. Andrew trying to talk himself out of it. 

“I tried to call you,” Andrew growled, voice barely a whisper from the anger within his tone. 

“I forgot my phone,” Neil shrugged once, instantly realising he screwed up. 

“It’s been four hours.”

Shit. 

“Are you stupid? How many times do I have to tell you to carry that thing with you?  _ Wherever you go _ ,” the last three words carried a slice of venom that didn’t go unnoticed. 

Neil looked down at his own hands then. Seeing stains of blood that weren’t really there. “Riko is dead.”

As if that was the final straw, Andrew killed the distance between them and kneeled in front of Neil, his hand gripping the back of Neil’s head, a gesture fairly common when it came to them. 

“This isn’t about Riko. This about us being able to find each other,” Andrew was staring at him so deeply and sincerely that Neil swayed a bit. Right into him. Their noses touched. Andrew didn’t pull back. 

“You always find me, though,” Neil murmured. 

“Not always.”

The words fell out of Andrew’s lips without emotion, but Neil felt the weight they carried, the meaning. That no matter what ugly things they said to each other or whatever bloody destiny the world had in store for them, their paths were so intertwined, nothing could shake them loose. 

He understood the fear and the trauma. Why Andrew was mad that he couldn’t simply call or text Neil to know where he was, so they could continue having their small civil war. And at that instant, Neil saw they would never be like any other couple, with useless fights and long arguments. With quarrels and the use of such mundane expressions like “I need some space”. 

They were this or that. They needed to stay close even when they were angry. They needed to know one hadn’t lost the other permanently. And it was that love that threatened to burst Neil’s heart into flames and melt him into Andrew. 

“This is a train wreck,” Neil whispered into Andrew’s lips. 

“ _ This _ is nothing,” Andrew whispered back at him. 

From all sides the Foxhole Court hugged them. Empty, yet full with everything that Neil was, inside and out. 

“I know… And you want nothing.”

When Andrew stretched his mouth across Neil’s and they kissed for what felt like years, he thought that there was never a person in the world that cared as much as Andrew Minyard did. 

_ While I reached out for your hand _

_ When the walls were caving in _

_ When I see you on the other side _

_ We can try all over again... _

To say the house was gigantical would be an understatement. 

“Well, you said I could take care of everything and that money wasn’t a problem. Just know that the envelope you gave me full of drug money, was enough to cover all of this and the grocery shopping for our week in heaven, so a  _ thank you, Allison _ , should be in store.”

While she was talking, Allison didn’t even look at them and continued her minucius job of applying sunscreen on Renee’s shoulders. Neil thought he should clarify that it wasn’t necessarily “drug money” and then decided against it, because everything was already paid for and no one was listening anymore. 

After walking through the house to make their presence known, Neil, Andrew, Nicky, Kevin and a very brooding Aaron, appeared in the backyard where the upperclassmen were getting ready to cross the wooden bridge that connected the house to the deserted beach ahead. 

Much like the last time they traveled together, the upperclassmen had arrived first, while Andrew’s lot took care of the drinks and only got there when the others were way into the “fun” part. It was agreed between them, after landing and getting out of the airport, that they should rent two cars to get things done quicker and be able to accommodate everyone. Somehow, not that Neil would ever care to learn the specifics, Nicky and Andrew managed to acquire as much alcohol in Virginia, as they did back home. 

“Wow, this kitchen is like, three times bigger than that last one,” Neil heard Nicky’s voice travelling all the way to where he was still standing by the back double doors with Andrew patiently by his side. 

“This time the rooms are all upstairs,” Dan informed them. “There are five of them, only three available now because Allison and Renee are gonna share.”

Neil nodded once, thinking about his and Andrew’s baggage they’d left by the entrance. 

“We’ll get settled then,” Neil said, making a gesture with his head to indicate they could go to the beach and wait for them there, even though Neil was almost certain Andrew wouldn’t want to go swim in the ocean with their friends. 

From where he was, Neil could see the magnitude of blue, clear water spreading in the horizon and giving the impression that there was an edge to the world and that his eyes could just make it out. That if someone went too far, they would tip down and fall into the unknown. The last time he saw the ocean this up close, Neil had to set fire to his past and present, swallowing pain and sorrow, becoming an adult sooner than it was to be expected from him, having to deny all the freedom he could have and stick to following a path filled with darkness and fear. 

The last time Neil had seen the ocean, Andrew wasn’t by his side. 

Now he was. 

That is, until five seconds later when he turned around and walked to the front door to retrieve their bags. Passing the kitchen to follow him, Neil saw Nicky, Aaron and Kevin already occupying themselves with preparing drinks for everyone. 

Upstairs, as Dan had said, three of the five bedrooms were wide open and seemingly empty. Two of the three doors to Neil’s right were already shut, so Andrew headed for the last one and before Neil could ask if he really wanted to share a wall with the upperclassmen, he crossed the threshold and immediately understood. 

The bedroom, as the rest of the house, was huge and it sure could fit two of the foxes’ rooms back in Fox Tower. A king size bed, covered in a white blanket and more pillows than Neil and Andrew needed, faced a floor to ceiling window that gave them the most beautiful view Neil had ever seen. Well, the second most beautiful. 

He watched Andrew dump both bags by the foot of the bed, not even sparing a glance to the dresser or the enormous TV on top of it, or even the fireplace and the fluff-looking rug spread in front of it. Silently, Andrew walked the few steps to the window and opened it, revealing a small balcony and wooden railing, letting the salt air filter in and retrieving the pack of cigarettes from his pocket. 

Taking his time to observe every inch of Andrew’s body while the sun illuminated it, Neil joined him and took the cigar he was offered without even having to ask for it. 

And so they stood there. No words. Just acrid smoke and the sun shining upon them and on their friends. In the distance, Neil could make out the upperclassmen being joined by Nicky and Aaron, Kevin nowhere to be seen. A pair of blonde hair floated on the water, Renee’s rainbow colors catching in the sunlight. He heard laughter. His heart clenched. 

Most likely sensing Neil’s sudden restlessness, Andrew’s right arm scooted a bit closer, armband with armband, Neil was indescribably happy he was able to feel him there. 

“The beach, huh?” Andrew slurred in the quietness of their shared space, cigarette dangling from his skilled fingers. Neil looked down at them, thinking about how well they fitted in his hair, his waist, his neck… 

He sighed, going back to stare at the second most beautiful view. “Last time I touched the sand, it broke me.”

Neil felt when Andrew started looking at him, probably assessing all the emotions plastered on Neil’s face and the way his body was stiff as a board. “You should’ve said no,” Andrew pondered, sounding incredibly condescending. 

Shrugging, Neil tried to focus on the distant voices of their friends, seeing Kevin’s figure emerge from inside the house and head toward the others with determined steps. When he approached, Nicky waved and said something Neil was unable to hear. Matt’s body shook with laughter. Dan slapped the back of Nicky’s head and got up, running to meet Allison and Renee at the edge of the ocean. 

“I don’t want the bad things that happened to me,” he stopped and turned to Andrew, “to  _ us _ , to determine how and where I live my life. I know my future doesn’t belong entirely to me, so I’m gonna make the most of everything else I  _ can  _ control.”

“Control freak,” Andrew added. 

“My friends are happy. I want you to be happy. So I’ll be happy as well. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Happiness is an illusion.” Andrew countered. 

“Not when we’re together,” Neil said, body already moving before he even decided to do so. But he needn’t worry, despite his indifference and obvious annoyance with everything Neil said and did, Andrew responded to his advance almost immediately, hands going down to Neil’s waist, eyes staring at Neil’s lips, even as he said:

“You’re an idiot.”

“So, I’m at two hundred percent now?” Neil nagged, voice barely a whisper. 

He felt every inch of his body as it came closer to Andrew’s. Knees, thighs, crotch, stomach… Breathing the same air. When Andrew’s mouth touched his, Neil slid both hands through his hair. The middle of the afternoon sun burned their skin. 

“You’re at three hundred.”

  
  


~*~

On that first day, while they were all having dinner in the deck outside - a meal prepared by Matt and Nicky, if one could believe it - Allison asked if Neil and Andrew planned to spend the week inside the house having crazy, angry sex or if they would grace the others with their presence in the beach. 

At her words, Aaron choked on his food and Dan had to physically remove herself from the table to go laugh in the kitchen. Nicky looked like he wanted to kill himself with the fork. Renee simply smiled down at her plate. Next to Neil, Andrew merely stared at Allison for a few seconds, while intentionally touching one of his armbands, before going back to eating. 

That night, after retreating to their room, Neil was ready to pass out and sleep for ten hours. He hadn’t done much, true, but the trip alone was enough to tire his bones. And yet, as soon as their door was closed, Andrew went to his bag and retrieved two pieces of cloth, throwing one at Neil’s general direction. 

Unfolding the dark grey piece of fabric, Neil uncovered a sleeveless shirt that matched the model Andrew was holding, only Andrew’s was black. 

Before he could ask what the hell was this for, Andrew held up a bottle of sunscreen. “So you can go catch that sun, tomorrow. Unless you prefer crazy, angry sex.”

The fact Andrew was apparently cracking a joke was almost enough to make Neil faint right there on the spot. Instead, he shook his head, a slow smile spreading on his lips. “Maybe we could do both?”

Andrew threw the bottle of sunscreen at him. 

~*~

Since this time they didn’t have a buffet at the ready where they could walk to and meals would already be prepared, it was up to the Foxes to rotate amongst themselves and create some sort of roster for breakfast, lunch and diner. At first, Neil thought it’d be a reason for incessant bickering and an excuse for throwing punches. To his utmost surprise - or not - even Aaron and Andrew joined in on the schedule, which was not to say there weren’t a few pairs that shouldn’t be left alone in the kitchen, hence Nicky putting Allison and Andrew to cook breakfast one day and Matt biting every single one of his nails, afraid they would end up killing each other. 

At last, three days morphed into four and by the fifth one, no fights had broken and the kitchen appliances stood intact. Occasionally, Neil would tell Kevin to go fuck himself in the face of his constant foul mood, until Nicky let it slip that Thea had dumped him two days before their trip. That night, the foxes drank in companionable silence, Kevin sipping his vodka while Nicky said that maybe he should give Jeremy a chance, whatever that meant. Allison seemed to understand, because she gave Dan a sideway glance and a knowing smile Matt’s way.

Kevin glared at Nicky, ignoring Aaron’s look of disgust and before Neil could question about this silent conversation, Renee catched his eyes across the room and shook her head as if to say “leave it”. 

Everyday they spent there - with the exception of the first one - the foxes woke up with the sun, ate breakfast and walked to the beach. Andrew and Neil often stayed by the sand, after applying numerous amounts of sunscreen and keeping their sleeveless shirts on, satisfied with staring ahead and being lulled by the waves crashing softly on the shore. 

When lunchtime came, the ones responsible for the cooking that day would go inside and let the others enjoy the outdoors a bit more. 

They smiled, joked, played board games and even watched a few horror movies - Allison and Nicky getting into arguments, because she didn’t want to watch a “stupid movie” and he wasn’t going to settle for a “disgusting romcom” -, sharing a quietude that lasted for hours. 

At night, Neil laid down on caressing sheets and left the window open so they could sleep with the salty air filtering through the room. Andrew would lower himself next to Neil, never attempting to put space between them. They didn’t speak, but they kissed. A lot. Once, Andrew breathed out a moan right into Neil’s mouth, honest and secretive, and Neil thought he would die. 

Time and again, Neil was struck hard in the chest by the realization that this was his life. That he survived and he could breathe the same air as Andrew. That he had a family, people that didn’t judge or push him away when things got hard. He had someone to lay next to and even if tomorrow was never a guarantee, what else could he ask for? What else was there to have other than  _ this _ ? Neil Josten was never taught what it was like to be happy, but he was sure this was close. Closer than he ever deserved before. 

_ 'Cause it was almost love, it was almost love... _

“If you like having both eyes, stop looking at me like that,” Andrew’s raspy voice whispered in the glow of the morning light, the threat lost in it, causing Neil to hold his breath. 

“Like what?” He asked in the same tone, feeling Andrew’s arm tightening around his waist slightly. 

Before the sun was up in the sky, Neil was awake. Clinging heat from the previous evening had forced both of them to shed their shirts, although Neil never minded to be seen by Andrew’s eyes. He was  _ always  _ looking at him. 

Neil was hyper aware of the places where their bare skins were touching, the dim glow of dusk shining upon Andrew’s chest, Neil allowing himself to look endlessly, without grazing his fingers or tongue all over it. He knew it still wasn’t the time for spontaneous actions and he promised Andrew he would wait, despite some days being harder than others. 

This quiet morning seemed to be one of those, where Neil wanted nothing more than to be in bed all day and for Andrew to do whatever he wanted too. No words, no interruptions.

Slowly, Andrew blinked his eyes open to finally stare down at the blue irises just barely there, Neil’s eyes not turning away. Never turning away. 

In spite of his initial words, there was no anger or violence left in Andrew’s movements when he started to draw circles on Neil’s waist where his hand had been resting all night. Staring deep into each other’s eyes, it was nearly impossible for Neil to actually form any coherent thoughts, to understand that this moment meant more than every other they shared before. Enveloping quietness, immaculate white sheets and the world’s immensity all around them, it felt like time itself had stopped. It was difficult to comprehend that he could have this. That he was allowed to gaze into the eyes of someone that showed him how much love wasn’t enough. Feelings couldn’t be explained or measured, there was nothing else other than them. 

“Yes?” Andrew asked, firm and fearless. 

“ _ Yes _ ,” Neil gasped out almost instantly. 

And so Neil leaned up, without even closing his eyes, trying to convey everything he was experiencing internally, wanting Andrew to swallow him whole and leave him in pieces, touching mouth to mouth in one of the softest kisses they ever shared. 

_ I more than love you _ . 

The arm that wasn’t wound over Neil’s waist, climbed up so Andrew could graze his fingers across Neil’s cheekbone and then swiftly turned them over so he was on top, trapping Neil under him and forcing their legs to tangle together. Breath puffing out hot and his sleep addled brain feeling like cotton candy, Neil was left undone in a matter of seconds, heartbeat by heartbeat, while Andrew kissed him as slowly as the sun made his way up the sky. 

They were both only wearing boxer briefs, having ditched even the armbands the night before. Usually in this situation, Neil would be acting with precaution and weariness that one wrong movement could scare Andrew and throw them off. Not this time, though. 

Morning stillness caged them in their own little box and Andrew skin was on fire against his, arms on both sides of Neil’s head, levering his upper body from Neil’s abdomen but not doing much to stop them from touching on the waist down. And as soon as Andrew’s heat made contact with Neil, he couldn’t stop the gasp that escaped him, wanting hands flying up to tangle in blonde strands, heart practically flying through his ribcage. Cold dread spread from Neil’s stomach to his toes, scared this was too much. 

Andrew looked down at him with heavy lidded eyes, fingers twisting the sheets where he was trying to keep himself up. 

This time, the question fell out of Neil’s trembling lips. “Is this okay?”

Blinking his eyes shut and opening his mouth just a fraction, Andrew breathed out and then, he made the barest of movements in an imperceptible roll of his hips that made both of them inhale deeply.

Neil flexed his fingers in Andrew’s hair, looking at him meaningfully, a silent question. 

“Yes…  _ fuck _ ,” Andrew hissed while simultenously moving his body to meet Neil’s. 

And just like that he gave in, allowing himself to  _ look _ and never breaking eye contact, Andrew finally lowered himself to a distance where their lips could touch again, where there was no space left between, a little bit of hope and forgiveness. A little bit of Andrew that Neil didn’t have yesterday, but that was being given to him now. And so they moved. 

They moved in sync and out of breath. Beads of sweat mingling with a never ending kiss, fabric that might as well not even be there, because Neil could feel  _ everything _ . The slow but certain rhythm of Andrew’s hips, rolling and rolling, making Neil’s legs tremble. 

It was barely a reflex, but the moment Neil bent his knees just a bit and flexed his legs up, the whole thing fell into place like magic, Andrew fitting perfectly in the middle of Neil’s thighs, releasing a moan of approval right inside Neil’s mouth. 

Hours, days, years went by. Neil thought it might be seconds or minutes, but he could stay there. With Andrew’s unabashed intensity, their whole beings bared in the most heart-wrenching honesty Neil had ever experienced. And sooner than he expected, it just felt too much to bear, he moaned and pulled Andrew closer - not  _ nearly _ close enough - bending his knees a bit more and supporting both feet on Andrew’s calves. That position was all it took for both of them to lose it completely and even though it seemed like there were seconds when Andrew would pull away, every time Neil made it to release him, the other boy would press forward, only breaking their contact enough to look at Neil with a certainty that took the rest of his breath away. 

He was so impossibly hard, damp fabric creating a delicious friction between them and for the first time since they kissed on that roof, Andrew wasn’t going anywhere. He was letting Neil in and baring himself in what Neil could guess was a tug of war, one Andrew was fighting within his own being. 

“I’m here,” Neil breathed. 

Andrew looked at him. Nodded. Then buried his face on Neil’s shoulder, giving small access so Neil could lavish at his neck, which obviously caused Andrew to go into a frenesy, hips moving in a constant flow, throbbing against Neil, who occupied himself with grazing his teeth on that one part of Andrew’s neck that managed to rip out the barest of gasps from him and it went straight into Neil’s ear. 

His toes curled and his spine curved, body shaking violently with waves of a pleasure Neil didn’t even know he could feel and that seemed to last for as long as Andrew would hold him. And like the many changes Neil had been experiencing throughout their days together, this time Andrew let himself be held while it happened, giving to Neil what he was never allowed to have. An unconditional, hard earned trust. 

_ This isn’t just love _ . 

Coming down from it, breathing the scorching air around them, they didn’t need to share a single word or proclaim confessions of something they had long overcome. Neither one of them pushed too far or stayed too adrift. Neil didn’t want to get up or go back home, even though they had to later that day. He just wished to stay in that bed, with Andrew’s nose buried in the small space where Neil’s shoulder met his neck, where their scars meant battles won and a past that would never define them. 

There was so much hurt and pain in the path they took there, when ugly words had been spoken and crippling fear threatened to take over conscience. Neil would never forget those times when he thought “this is it, I’ll never see Andrew again” and how it felt as if his entire being was collapsing. When he learned of the people who hurt Andrew or saw how some would still think he was a heartless monster. 

Every single one of those times, however, if he turned around or thought hard enough, Neil was always able to see Andrew, standing still as rock and as vigilant as ever. Ready to protect but not once letting himself be guarded. When he felt like he could let go, it was after he touched Neil’s marred skin and gave his back to Neil, so he could keep watch next. 

Neil wanted to say “ _ I’ll always follow behind _ ” and knew that wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough. Whatever could be said between them, would never encompass everything. 

But being there. Feeling him. Able to touch and explore. 

Neil knew home wasn’t a place and, hell, maybe it wasn’t even a person. Or a group of them. 

The thing was, whenever danger presented itself or the abstract shadow of happiness approached, this was it. The man inside his arms, giving himself up for Neil inch by slow inch, and always being there to hold him when Neil wavered, the one thread leading him  _ somewhere _ . 

Home. Anywhere. 

_ This isn’t love _ , Neil thought for the second time that morning. He looked at Andrew’s body almost draped on his, invisible waves of pleasure still traveling up and down his lithe body, eyes resting on where his heart was beating, where Neil could see the traces of his breath coming and going. Where he could see they were both alive. Together. 

He  _ is _ love. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
